I love movies. It can take you to another world, another time, live someone else's life, make you happy, make you think, all at the touch of a button. Tonight, I watched "Up In The Air". The one line that stopped me in my tracks, "Think about the happy moments in your life. Were you alone?" We all know the answer to that one.
Lately, I have been battling loneliness. In a perfect world, I would be someone's "other half". But this is not a perfect world. I am okay with not having a plus one, but it is not my preferred existence.
In order to change my relationship status, I have to put myself out there, and I don't want to do that. Two out of the last three relationships, I was dumped. I want to believe the first dumping was because he was confused, depressed, and generally couldn't get his head straight. But I could be wrong. The last time I was "let go", was because I was too old. That hurt, we were the same age. Until that day, I didn't really feel old, but now when I look in the mirror, I see an old woman. Of course, the extra pounds, grey hair and wrinkles contribute to that. I'm coming up on the dreaded 60.
Ever since I moved back to Florida, I have not even entertained the thought of dating. I felt safe being single. I wasn't sure why I felt that way, until last week when I had an epiphany. When you are single and dating, and meet someone for the first time... you judge them. You size them up. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to feel I'm not good enough.
So, here I am, like every other night. Sitting in my little cave I call an apartment. Alone.
I'll find me an old western movie. I love horses. Let's see, how about Randolph Scott. Oh, or Sam Elliot... he's nice to look at! And that voice!
Shhh... the movie is starting...